The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
