never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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