I cannot find my penis.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Everyone says I win the strip club
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
