Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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