Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
