Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
