i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Welp...herpes.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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