The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Dick very happy bro
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
