2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize