someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
