shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
