Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
