What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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