Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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