just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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