Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
