happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
did i walk over a car last night?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
