every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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