she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
