last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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