Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
