we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
