i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
