6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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