What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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