I think I won the penis lottery.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
