I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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