I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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