Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
