I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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