does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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