new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
