i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
