community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Pants are for mortals
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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