After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize