That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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