my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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