U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
