every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
