a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
