____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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