sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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