Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
