My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Randomize
