I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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