Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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