My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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