i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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