i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
