i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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