by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Drunk is not a location!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
