i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
