"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
