all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
